Considering Mothers
Most nations seem to have a day that celebrates mothers and motherhood; in Britain it is Mother's Day, which falls this year on 3rd April. It's a day when flowers and cards are given and mothers are taken out to dinner. Yet there is often little consideration of what motherhood is really all about. This may be because there is a cloud of sentimentality about everything to do with mothers or because it's a topic that raises profound and troubling questions. Are we to celebrate every kind of mother, when our bookshops have sections headed ‘Tragic Life Stories’ filled with tales of appalling parenting? And aren't we adding insult to injury for women who would love to be mothers but – for whatever reason – can't? I suggest that there are two areas where we need to apply some careful consideration.
We need to consider the significance of motherhood
We need to value and affirm mothering. For all the enthusiasm over Mother's Day, motherhood has been rather downgraded in modern Western culture. In the last fifty years our attitude to women and careers has been revolutionised, something that is almost entirely positive. Yet one of the side-effects has been that motherhood has become marginalised. The spotlight has fallen on women who have become successful in areas such as politics, media and business and this has led to a situation in which women who have chosen to stay at home and look after children may feel undervalued. They can think of themselves as ‘merely a mother’. This is wrong; being a mother is the highest calling that any woman can have. If the human race is to have a future we need mothers and if that future is to include civilisation, then we need good mothers. Being a mother is vital and important.
We need to treat mothers with consideration
We also need to think about how we respond to the needs of those actively engaged as mothers at the moment. Their task is not simply important, it is also tough. As Milton Berle remarked, ‘If evolution really works, how come mothers only have two hands?’ Mothering has never been easy but it has got tougher. The social changes of the last fifty years have backfired in some respects: we now allow women to have full-time careers but they are still assumed to fulfil all their old roles as well. The result is that a mother is now expected to also be successful at work, an efficient home manager and an elegant hostess and still (somehow) to have enough energy to be good in bed. And in most cases of marriage breakdown, it's the woman who ends up looking after the children largely on her own.
Anyone engaged in mothering will have discouragements; it should be our task to come alongside and offer help and encouragement. The reality is that many mothers need far more than a card, a bunch of flowers and a few sugary words once a year. We need to do all we can to help mothers, whether by organising babysitters, providing crèches at work or church, offering meals or (discreetly) giving a little financial assistance to those who need it. We need to stop taking mothering for granted. And if you are a father, remember the wise advice of Theodore M. Hesburgh, ‘The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother.’
So far I have talked about mothers; let me now take the risk of talking to them. I have both experienced and observed good parenting and have had the blessing of being married to a very good mother, so let me offer mothers a few cautious suggestions, which I hope may be helpful:
• Value the task of motherhood. Almost nothing else you do will be more important than bringing up children. What you teach an infant born today could still be bearing fruit at the end of this century!
• Be prepared to learn. It is easy to be a biological mother but much harder to be a psychological, moral and spiritual mother. Babies do not come with manuals. Look for good parenting practices to imitate and be prepared to ask for advice.
• Give your children values. If you don't give your children values (such as the importance of honesty, fairness and kindness) someone else will. You will not be surprised where I, as a Christian, would suggest you find the answer.
• Don't set your expectations too high. Realism is often in short supply today. It is tempting to assume that your child is going to be musically or athletically talented, incredibly good-looking and awesomely brilliant. Why not settle for producing well-balanced, happy and secure offspring?
• Beware of simple formulae. A child is not like a computer program that, given the right inputs at the right time, will automatically generate good results. God in his wisdom makes us all individuals. Sometimes things go wrong and, if they do, don't automatically assume responsibility or guilt.
• Know when to hold tight and when to hang loose. There are times when discipline needs to be enforced and there are times when it can be relaxed; know the difference! You have to give your children roots and wings.
• Get people to pray for you. It's a tradition in the Anglican Church to which I belong for children to have godparents. Yes, it's often a formality and often ignored but the principle strikes me as being useful. Every mother needs a group of people who will continue to pray for her and the children. Prayer does change things!
There is a tendency to take mothers and mothering for granted. Praising them once a year is hardly an adequate response. Let's allow Mother's Day to encourage us into thinking seriously about what mothering means and how we can best help those who bear the burdens and challenges of this most demanding but ultimately rewarding task.
